Words by Joe Viglione 

When a film rakes in over 300 million dollars overseas prior to the U.S. opening you know it is setting up some great buzz.  Yes, Iron Man 3 holds up well and is not only the best of the Iron Man films, it is one of the most solid of all the Marvel and D.C. comic book heroes translating to film.   It is as if the producers and the director looked at the legacy of the comic book hero on film – Christopher Reeve as Superman, Christian Bale as Batman, the Spiderman movies and decided to perfect the formula by taking it all up a notch.

Iron Man 3 brings in lots of robots, of course, and as stated in my review of the second epic, the robot vs. robot was an incredibly artful moment in Iron Man Two, so putting a spin on that angle works very nicely here.

Think about it, the strongest X-Men foe in the early days of Professor X was the sinister Sentinels (an idea lifted in miniature fashion for the Matrix series).  That we only got a taste of those fearsome (robot) machines in a “holo-deck” of one X-Men film is a good reason why the more popular Marvel franchise – X-Men - is outdone by a lesser character – Iron Man.  With a strong actor in Robert Downey Jr. and very tight scripts all that is needed is a better villain that what The Avengers faced, the one big flaw in an otherwise great movie.

The Mandarin is a superb – and quite eerie - foe from the world of Marvel’s Dr. Strange, a hero yet to show up on the silver screen.  But having the Mandarin as a clone of Osama Bin Laden, though effective, is not the best use of great material.  Which is probably why the focus here is less on the villain and more about Tony Stark, hero, in the same fashion as Timothy Dalton in his two James Bond films.  

Where Dalton’s Bond was more of your ear-to-the-ground spy – especially in the superb License to Kill, Tony Stark is allowed to use his brains more than his armor, and this very conscious approach builds storyline for future episodes.  Heck, at the very end of the film – which had almost the entire audience sitting through the credits for a glimpse of more (and they were rewarded), the screen says “TONY STARK WILL RETURN”, just as the James Bond franchise has generated anticipation in the final shot of each “chapter.”

The iron in the man here is fortitude, iron will, using ingenuity to outsmart the odds that are against the creative inventor.    It’s fun, with good use of Downey Jr’s comic skills and timing, the movie stakes out its own territory while still delivering more explosions than even Bradley Cooper’s A-Team could ever muster.

Lots of explosions, with the true villain coming off more like Pierce Brosnan’s opponent in Goldeneye than Ben Kingsley’s ruthless megalomaniac, what we moviegoers were sold in the trailers and early promotion.

It is not perfect, though, as the sinister Mandarin could have been more about Dr Strange’s opponent, James Mandarin out of Greenwich Village – than the obvious terrorist to fit these modern times The Master” having his finger on the throat of Iron Man throughout the drama would have made for more fun for this critic, but there’s not much other than that to complain about.  Robert Downey Jr. has taken a lesser-known fictional character and made him larger than life. It also cements Downey as one of the best actors of the 21^st century, giving his series of real-life problems, a validation that some probably thought impossible way back when.

Another key moment for me during the screening was turning around to look at the audience.  With their 3-D glasses in place the audience itself looks like a science fiction movie, a sort of real-life moment from John Carpenter’s “They Live” or a parody of the 1950s 3-D experiment.  Over sixty years later filmmakers have found a way to turn the 3-D technology into pure gold. 

The future of the Undercroft, the UK’s most iconic skate spot, is under threat. But its skaters are not going to give it up without a fight.

Words by Liam Hodkinson

A boy in a red snapback cap, skateboard at his feet, is waiting his turn to vault a set of stairs. It is a sunny May afternoon on the banks of the River Thames and the air throbs with the bass of a speaker system nearby. Wheels clatter as they roll across the space’s grey concrete floors. Men and women in orange shirts hand out petitions and canvas for signatures. The Long Live the Southbank campaign is holding a weekend of activities to save this place, where dozens of the young and young-at-heart skate, ride and paint, while families, couples and tourists watch from the side-lines.

He is at the front of the queue now, pushing himself away from the wall. His board slides under his feet and he begins to pick up speed. There is a grace about him as he rolls towards the drop. A breeze pulls at his clothes but he is smiling. The stairs approach. He crouches down towards his board, his knees bent and his body coiled like a spring. Then he explodes upwards, over the stairs, heading down towards the earth below.

But he has miscalculated. The board flies away from his feet while he hangs mid-air. There is an audible intake of breath among the watching crowds, though other skaters look on relaxed. The floor approaches him quickly and he hits it with a painful crack that echoes around the space’s stained walls.

For a brief moment he looks hurt. But then he sits up with a smile spread across his face and starts to laugh and shake his head. He stands up, grabs his board and returns back to where he started, bumping fists with friends at the end of the queue. He is ready to jump again, to face the drop, to land it this time.

Robert, a middle-aged man in a double breasted jacket and boater hat, is stood at the side watching the scene unfold from behind a metal barrier. He is there with his wife and daughter, enjoying the Bank Holiday sun.

“They can’t close this place”, he says.

“Look at what it means to these kids. They just can’t.”

———————-

The Southbank Centre is an icon of Brutialist architecture. Its angular grey contours and slabs of roughly finished concrete may resemble a huge car park, but it has become Europe’s largest centre of the arts. It was built in the 1950s for the Festival of Britain and hosts a variety of music, art, dance and performance events in its three main buildings, the Royal Festival Hall, the Queen Festival Hall and the Hayward Gallery.

There is, however, another side to this site, a side that has become a tourist attraction in itself. The undercroft, located deep in its bowels, with a view of the river and the spikes of Embankment Bridge, has become the most famous skate spot in the country. It has appeared in countless films and magazine shoots and is visited by skaters and BMX-ers from all over the world.

Skating started at the South Bank in the 1970s. Many consider it the birthplace of the culture in the UK. The spot was empty then, an architectural dead space, visited by the homeless for a place to sleep, but rarely by others. Now, there is life everywhere. On any given day, you can find teenagers rolling through its banks and pillars, laughing, shouting, having fun. Greying veterans ride too, the plank of wood between their feet helping them temporarily hold back the onset of time. The skating community has built a history here. It’s visible in the faded graffiti layered on every surface, in the worn down features and in the lines borne deep into the floors.

But now all this is under threat. The Southbank Centre has unveiled plans to refurbish the Festival Wing, which will see the undercroft turned into retail spaces to help pay for the £120 million project. The centre has identified a space further along the river, under Hungerford Bridge, where a customised site could be built for the community instead. But this is not a popular option.

“This is all we have left”, explained Henry Edwards Wood, a filmmaker from South London and spokesman for the Long Live South Bank campaign. “We come here for its history. We want to be around these pillars. They show us that we are part of something and that we are creating a future.”

Henry grew up on the South Bank. “I became a man here”, he says. “All my housemates, all my close friends, everyone, I met them here. This place is my life.” He now films skateboarders for a living and describes the undercroft as the last remaining piece of what was once a skate Mecca.

“SE1 and Waterloo have been synonymous with skating for 40 years, but now all the other spots are gone. If skateboarding is to continue to exist as an art form, the community has to come together to save this place.”

But can’t the same vibe, the same feeling, be re-created at Hungerford Bridge?

He looks out towards the river. “No. Look at this view. It’s perfect.

“At twilight, the light comes into this space, and I promise you, it’s magical.”

———————-

Nick Jensen has been skating at the South Bank for the last 17 years. He was 11 years old when he first arrived, a nervous young boy with his brother. They had practiced for weeks before, perfecting a pop shove it so that they wouldn’t look like amateurs in front of the other skaters.

“We were too embarrassed to come here without it, because we heard that this was where all the legit and real dudes skated,” he says. “Once we had the basics we finally allowed ourselves to come.”

That embarrassment turned into awe when he arrived.

“Everyone was really warm, super welcoming. I became addicted. I just skated and skated, soaking up all the other people’s tricks and just observing and learning.”

He spent the summers of his youth here, skating deep into the evenings. He chilled, hung out, made a lot of friends. Now he is 28 and a professional skateboarder. He is tall, lean, athletic; well-spoken with a shock of blond hair. He looks happy and relaxed. The undercroft has in many ways defined his life.

“Without this place, without its energy, I would never have developed to the level I am”, he says. “It’s like somebody who is fascinated by a famous artist being able to go their studio and watch them paint. That’s what kids can do here. It’s the best way to feel, understand, interpret and learn when you can see it right in front of you.”

He recognises the commercial reasons for relocation, but believes passionately that some things in life are more important than money.

“I appreciate the notion of having a new spot down the road. It’s great that they have made that gesture. But, it’s more symbolic to have it here, a place that is secure and free and that hasn’t succumbed to gentrification. It’s much more about that than it is about having a good technically-built skate park.

 “We have a history here. The undercroft has its own character. If we move, that will go.”

He pauses to collect his thoughts. A young boy, no more than five years old, zips by on a tiny scooter. An oversized helmet sits on top of his head and his dad follows closely behind.

“Even if you try and mimic it, it won’t be the same”, Nick says.

“It will be artificial. And all this will be lost.”

———————-

The skaters have every reason to fear gentrification. The whole world has become a shopping mall, including the South Bank. The invasion of retail has been creeping up on the undercroft for years now. To the left of the site, just metres away, Yo Sushi, Eat, Strada and Wagamama have all set up shop, feeding day-trippers and weekend strollers as they wonder down the river. To the right, visitors eat braised beef rigatoni between sips of Mendoza Malbec under a canopy at the BFI’s The Riverfront restaurant. Opposite, by the Festival Pier, people queue to sample artisan cheeses, meats and wine as part of the Real Food Market. Women sip boutique champagne from thin flutes, while others eat fresh Whitstable rock oysters, smoked to order, straight from the shell.

The whoops and hollers of the hoody-clad skaters may not fit this scene, but they were here first. And they bring life to the area, and a sense of community. Casper Brooker, who has been described as the golden boy of UK skateboarding, has benefited from this communal atmosphere. He is still a teenager but has been skating at South Bank for the last six years.

“It’s done absolutely everything for me,” he says. “All my skating opportunities have come through the people here. I have met most of my friends too. It’s a community. It’s almost like we all have the same mindset.”

And what if it goes?

“It will break a lot of people’s hearts”, he says.

“If I’m older and I walk across here and I see a Starbucks or a book shop I would be really upset. This is where I have grown up. There are hundreds of Starbucks already. Every single person that has walked past this weekend, when they have seen the petition, has said the same thing.

“Why are they taking this away?”

———————-

Later, as the day draws to a close and the spectators that have crowded round the fences thin away, a core group of skaters remain. These are the foot soldiers, the men and women that have come together to make some noise about the relocation.

Now they are skating. Sure, their tricks are impressive. The boards, and the men on them, fly effortlessly through the air, twisting, rotating and spinning.  But it’s something else that really stands out. It’s their faces, the smiles. It’s the joy.

Nearby, lights flash on and off, catching the attention of those walking by. There are three neon signs that sit to the right of the spot, high above a Wahaca restaurant serving Mexican street food from a collection of rectangle turquoise containers. The lights are still dim in the late afternoon sun, but for the first time today the message is just about visible. It repeats the same phrase three times. Power to the people, power to the people, power to the people.

The petition to save the South Bank now has more than 28,000 signatures. You can sign it here.

Words by Matt Whitehouse 

For all the FA, Premier League and English clubs promise of investing and valuing youth development there has been a constant issue and concern when it comes to the goal of youth development. For some clubs it appears that success at youth level means winning trophies, yet surely it should be about how many players become professional? As this article will discuss, it is integrating them into the first team which matters most.

When Roman Abramovich arrived at Chelsea he created a new superpower in England and across Europe. He sought to buy the best talent around and his goal was clear; to win every trophy possible. Now with this kind of mentality it is often very hard to seek to integrate young players into a team with such lofty ambitions. Especially when your manager is Jose Mourinho who often shows a distrust of youth because they are often liable to errors. Chelsea’s problem appears simply to be an inability or lack of will to provide young players with opportunities for the first team.

It is not like the talent is not there yet the lack of stability with the management means that unlike Alex Ferguson, it is very hard to show patience and allow time to integrate and progress. Expectations at Chelsea are viewed in the short term which results in young talent being neglected.

As the NextGen series showed Chelsea do have talent in their youth system. And many of those are English. It’s pleasing to see that players like Davey, Pappoe, Kevin Wright, Lewis Baker and Ruben Loftus have been at the club since they were between 9-12 years old. This certainly shows that Chelsea are doing something well in regards to their development of youth. Even players like Adam Nditi and Jeremie Boga who are not of English nationality have been at the club since 2008.

However, although Chelsea’s academy can be regarded as one of Europe’s best and in terms of facilities and coaching it is, what is the point of having a youth academy if you do not attempt to produce players for your first team? If Chelsea’s youth development is so impressive then it begs the question as to why there are so few youth academy prospects breaking into the first team.

Chelsea’s second tier

In recent years there have been a couple of English players such as Josh Mceachran and Ryan Bertrand who have come through the academy. Bertrand actually was at Gillingham till 16 so cannot be said to really be a ‘product’ of Chelsea unlike Mceachran  who has been at Chelsea since he was seven.

The concern of Chelsea’s integration policy can be seen best by Mceachran.  When he first came on to the scene the attention he received was high. Lampard spoke highly of his intelligence and creativity and it appeared that Chelsea had produced a player who would be given a chance in the first team. Yet four years later and he is now on loan at MIddlesborough after experiencing a poor time in Swansea with Brendan Rodgers.

For all his potential he has not been given the opportunity these past few years to continue his development and because of this he has not progressed. The truth is that between the ages of 16-21 these players will not progress to the levels they have shown to reach if they are not given the opportunity and experience to do so. The most important aspect of becoming a player at this age is to play.

Dermot Drummy guided Chelsea Under-19s to the final of the NextGen Series and has demanded that British kids are finally given a proper chance at Stamford Bridge. He has seen young stars such as Josh McEachran and ­Nathaniel Chalobah sent out on loan, and Drummy claims his youngsters cannot keep being blocked by ­expensive foreign ­signings. “It’s difficult because Chelsea will buy ready-made players,” said Drummy. “But the bottom line is you’ve got to produce a player. There is a second tier now, where the lads like Nathaniel and Josh tend to go out on loan. But there has to be a pathway and ­opportunities, in my opinion, for the young British ­players to get a chance.”

The problem at Chelsea is that because they have an owner who demands immediate success and who is unwilling to be patient and give his managers time to develop and plan for the future. And there is a Director of Football who has a large chest of money which he is happy to spend on some of Europe’s brightest young talent in players such as; Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku, Oscar and David Luiz. These are exceptional players yet it appears Chelsea have no vision or plan in terms of their transfer policy, it looks like they are simply hoarding players. 

Therefore if you are a young Chelsea academy player and you see players like Lukaku (bought for £20m) going out on loan then you to ask how likely it is that they will become a Chelsea player. Players like Lewis Baker who is clearly a talented player will be wasted by staying at Chelsea.

And this is what makes the news of Kasey Palmer being signed by Chelsea this week from Charlton all the more worrying. Chelsea have purchased Palmer for £200k which could rise to £800k based on appearances. However does Palmer have any chance of making it at Chelsea. The odds are very slim and so surely it would have been better for him to stay at Chalrton, where opportunity would be more forthcoming?

The bright lights ruin careers

In 2006 Chelsea bought Leeds academy players Tom Taiwo and Michael Woods for a total of £5m when they were both 16 years old. The issue involved allegations of over ‘tapping up’ from Chelsea that led to a court case and Chelsea agreed to pay Leeds £5million to settle the matter. However £5m does not guarantee success, especially when moving to Chelsea. Both players found opportunities limited and they quite simply stopped progressing.

As Taiwo says;  ‘You see boys who weren’t rated at 16 who at 23 are playing for England. Chris Smalling, he was playing non-League. Now he’s a top player with Manchester United and England. It makes a mockery of the academy system, shows it is not the be-all and end-all. Boys like myself have been right through the system and now I’m nowhere near his standard. That’s the worry.’

They also found the situation difficult in terms of being away from their families. These players are still kids and yet I think when our academy players turn 15 too much is expected of them too early. If youth development was thought of more up to 21 years then I am positive that we could develop more players.

Both Taiwo and Woods are now playing for Hibernian and Harrogate, which would highlight a serious problem of moving to one of the‘rich’ clubs. A lack of opportunity, the pressure to justify a big price tag and a failure to understand that these young lads are still developing and still require support. Chelsea therefore appear an ‘academy’ which promotes career suicide. My advice for a player at Chelsea would be to move to a club like Palace or Watford and develop there, because at least these clubs need and want to develop youth. 

Nick Powell, now at Man Utd is a perfect example of why staying at a lower league is the best option. Powell joined Crewe as young lad and at 16 he made his debut for the first team in August 2010 becoming the second youngest player to play for Crewe. Between 2010 and 2012 he was given opportunity to play and develop and in total played 55 games for the club. His performances in 2011/12 particuarly alerted many to his potential, enough so that Man Utd bought him for £4m in the summer of 2012. Imagine if Powell had left Crewe at 16, would he have got the opportunity to play and develop with a Premier League side like he did at Crewe? Not a chance. Therefore it appears near essential that young players should be given opportunities in a comfortable environment between 15-18 at least in order to keep developing.

Buying up the best talent yet any first team action?

 The same problem can be seen at Man City. Vast wealth and unlimited resources has allowed them to go around Europe and pick up the brightest talent around. Nationality has become irrelevant and as their first team shows, being English is not relevant.

City have been scouring the world for young talent as they seek to build a squad for the future. Karim Rekik signed for Manchester City from Feyenoord in the summer of and set a club record when he turned out for the last 12 minutes of the Carling Cup win over Birmingham, aged 16 years 294 days. Marcos Lopez, a Brasil born attacking midfielder cost the Blues around £790,000. Lopez is a Portugal under-16 and under-17 international and was snapped up from the Benfica youth ranks as a 15-year-old. Jules Olivier Ntcham was one of the most promising youngsters in France and was the captain of France’s U-16 squad.

Perhaps the two biggest signings that City have made have been the Spanish players Denis Suarez and Jose Angel Pozo. Suárez signed for Manchester City on 23 May 2011. Manchester City beat off interest from Barcelona, Chelsea and rivals Manchester United signing him from Celta Vigo for an initial fee of £850,000 that could rise by £2.75 million depending on appearances and performances. And in Pozo Manchester City showed their financial clout by paying Real Madrid £3.5m for the 15-year-old starlet. The deal could eventually be worth £5million. Yet can you see City really integrating young academy players into the first team? Even Suarez has struggled to break through.

Perhaps the case of John Guidetti highlights the problems with big teams integrating young players.  In April 2008, at the age of sixteen, he signed a three-year deal with City. Although he showed his quality in the youth ranks, he was not given a chance in the first team. A loan move to Feynoord last season proved his talents scoring 20 goals in 23 games for the Dutch club and many City fans have shown a desire to have him become a part of City’s senior team. Yet there is not a chance he will be given a go at City. If these players do not play then what chance do they really have? As Twente chairman Joop Munsterman said regarding Guidetti “The most important thing for a young player like Guidetti is that he plays a lot of games”.

Bridging the gap – a need for experience and opportunity

Personally I think players should seek a move to sides to the Championship in order to further their development and receive the opportunities of playing. Tom Ince is a great example of a player who moved to the Championship and whose career has excelled and blossomed because of it. His time at Liverpool surely gave him a good foundation yet playing continually at Blackpool between the ages of 19 and 21 (he has played 85 games for Blackpool) has certainly aided his development. 

Would he have got this at Liverpool? Not to this level. At Chelsea or Man City, never. 

Moving ‘down’ actually made Ince a better player and my advice to players at Chelsea and City would be to ask for two or three year loans or simply to be transferred to sides like Palace, Blackpool or Charlton in order to develop and fulfil their potential. 

The truth is that outside of the Premier League the majority of clubs across Europe are reliant on producing their own players. Unlike the top English sides they simply can’t buy players, which means they have to work hard to make sure they develop good players. 

We have seen already that sides like Southampton, Crystal Palace and Crewe have had to develop players these past few years in order to keep competitive in the league and to make profit from them when sold on. Youth development therefore is not a ‘bit of fun’ like Chelsea and Man City appear to treat it yet a key and fundamental aspect to secure the long term future of the club. 

The top clubs in the Premier League are doing a disservice to the English game by not creating more opportunities for players to develop. Through selfish gain the owners and business men have marketed the Premier League to be the best and many have benefited from the TV deals and high wages. These big clubs appear to be selfishly ruining players careers.

I have no idea why clubs like City and Chelsea feel the need to ‘hoard’ players. Perhaps they want to show off their impressive youth teams or they don’t want others to get these players. Yet why take in youth players if there is no intention of playing them in the senior team? It is a disservice to the players and English football that genuine talent is being wasted. Although these players may be financially secure, how many of these players are being wasting because they are being denied the opportunity to develop? 

Words by Harry Harris

Vampire Weekend’s third record is beautifully produced, intelligently written pop music that proves them as a band of real worth, if that was ever in doubt.

A few years back I was at home with MTV on in the background, and I heard a song that I could have sworn was “Concrete and Clay” by Unit Four Plus Two, a kind of jangly one-hit-wonder my Dad used to play us that had a great chorus. Anyway, I knew this song wasn’t Concrete and Clay, but it was cut from a similar cloth. The song was Mansard Roof, by Vampire Weekend, and I bought their record that day.

Since then their star has risen fairly dramatically. They’ve navigated the difficult second album syndrome with gusto, been adopted by the hipster crowd, derided for becoming “too popular,” soundtracked summers and got loads of people using the term “afro-beat” without really getting what it is (I’m not sure myself, and so won’t be using it again in this article). After a three year absence they’re back with Modern Vampires of the City, and it’s just wonderful.

Paul Simon, in particular the Graceland record, has always been the safest musical touchstone for Vampire Weekend’s stuff – listen to that guitar line on “Crazy Love” and you’re like “Ah, that’s where they got it from!” – and indeed echoes of that record still appear on this, though listening through it, and seeing them perform some of the songs at The Troxy last week, it does seem as if they’re coming into their own a lot more. Unbelievers, the album’s stand out track for me, chugs along with an almost country-western vibe, with a brilliant refrain: “We know the fire awaits unbelievers, all of the sinners the same / Girl you and I will die unbelievers, bound to the tracks of the train.” Diane Young rocks with a kinda surf-punky feel, while the other single Steps sounds like what you’d imagine a Wes Anderson movie to sound like (not a disparaging comment that, I like Wes).

Lyrically Ezra Koenig has always been very smart – I mean, he did dedicate a lead single from their first record to punctuation. He’s certainly not dumbed down what he writes about, with lines, allusions and turns of phrase sending you to Google to see just what story he’s trying to tell – on that note, “Croesus”  was the King of Lydia between 560 and 547 BC…wouldn’t get that in a Vaccines song would you? The pleasingly melancholy Hannah Hunt, that almost sounds like it could have come from a Death Cab For Cutie record, is a bit of a masterclass in writing, lines flowing into each other beautifully with some really well put together images - if the first record put us in colleges and Cape Cod, this one, as the title suggests, chucks us into the city, and all the highs and lows that emanate therefrom.

What’s plain to hear from this record is that this is band not resting on their laurels one bit. In a world where indie-guitar bands are ten-a-penny, it’s nice to see a band who clearly had massive potential from the get-go really living up to that and exceeding expectations, bringing new ideas to the table, honing their sound and making great music. I’m gonna play Modern Vampires to death, I know it, so should you. 

Words by Daniel Turner

With Iron Man 3 about to hit theaters, and costumed “superheroes” springing up around the world, some may wonder about the legality of vigilantism.

While it’s obviously illegal for an ordinary citizen to, for example, fire a rocket into a building — even if you were shooting at the “bad guys” and looked really cool doing it — other anti-crime activities may actually be permissible in certain well-defined situations.

For amusement purposes, we offer the following questions and answers:

Can you fire missiles and lasers when chasing the bad guys? 

No. It’s that simple.

Federal law sharply restricts the ownership and use of “destructive devices” such as rocket launchers and devices of similar power. If you own one, you’re probably already on the wrong side of the law, nevermind actually using the weapon in public.

So what can I fire at the bad guys?

Before we get into that, let’s take a quick moment to explain when a person may use force against another person. Although specific laws vary by state, it may be permissible to use an appropriate amount of force to defend yourself, your property, or another person from harm. This is known as self-defense.

In general, the force used in self-defense must not be excessive. If a person harmlessly flings a paper clip at you, you may not, for example, stab them in response and call it self-defense. If, however, a person attacked you with a bat and you struck them with your hands to defend yourself, you probably haven’t done anything illegal.

Even so, if a person fires a gun at you, you generally may return fire in self-defense.  If you’re in a jewelry store, lawfully carrying a firearm, and a robber enters brandishing a gun and pointing it at you, you may be within your rights to fire upon them to defend yourself.

However, the specific laws regarding self-defense are different in each state. In some states, the right of self-defense is modified by a duty to seek a means of escape, where appropriate. You should familiarize yourself with the laws in your home state to understand what is permitted.

Fine. No missiles and lasers. Can I at least fly using a jet-powered suit of my own design?

Nope. Not even if you’re a wisecracking billionaire playboy.

Aerospace companies like Boeing spent a great deal of time and money to get aircraft carriers like the 747 approved by the FAA. And after the planes were cleared for takeoff, they could only be flown in accordance with tight aerospace regulations.

A person traveling at Iron Man’s speeds — unmonitored, uncleared, over state and national borders, in a suit they made in their own garage or penthouse laboratory, as applicable — would quickly violate a number of laws and regulations. It would not be long before such a person was face-to-face with a military fighter jet escort and at risk of total destruction.

Sorry. No jetsuit flying.

Note: You can use a Segway to pursue criminals, though. It’s kind of the same, right?   

Takeaways

In general, the authorities prefer that you take yourself to a secure location, and contact them if you encounter a criminal. Diving into vigilante activities is generally not advisable or safe. However, as described above, there may be cases where you are within your rights to get involved in order to protect yourself or others.

For those that are truly inspired to fight crime, however, the most appropriate route is probably the one found here.

Words by Lucy Sweet

16 hopeless arseholes. 1 hairy barrow boy with a face like Sid James’ corpse.  Karren Brady standing about having a fag and rolling her eyes. Yes, it’s The Apprentice again, coming back like a recurring boil and bursting all over the boardroom in a shower of ambitious business pus.

Thanks to the recession, the latest series of the Apprentice shows the world of work in all its tedious futility like never before. In fact, the contestants have started to look less like odious trainee estate agents and more like rampant perverts, squirming in their sweaty office chairs at the mere mention of collateral. But Alan ain’t taking no shit this year  -money’s tight and he don’t want to invest in a bunch of muppets who talk about believing in it 10,000%.

 ‘Finkin’ outside the box, inside the box…I’m sick of clichés.’ He said, scratching his balls. ‘I believe actions speak louder than words.’ (And we all know that Alan would never say clichéd things like: ‘actions speak louder than words’.)

Anyway, so what dribbling fucknuts do we have this year? Well, there’s Jason, a posho perpetual student with a business brain that’s as sharp as a cushion. Jason studies Greek Mythology - and you can see it makes Alan want to throw a banana at him, retreat into the corner of his enclosure and call him a ‘perfumed ponce’.

Then there’s deeply disturbing half Vulcan, half part-time drag queen Alex from Wales, who looks like a mildly surprised Ming The Merciless. His eyebrows should have their own show called ‘FUCKING HELL, JUST LOOK AT HIS WEIRD EYEBROWS.’ And who could fail to love jumpy Tim, who runs a Mexican food business and seems to have a bottle of chilli sauce on the loose in his pants?

Then, of course, there are the ‘girls’ or the ‘ladies’ (never ‘women’), a gaggle of grasping, entitled gremlins with Next loyalty cards and an unshakeable belief that every word that comes out of their mouths is gold. They slag each other off, betray each other’s trust, and would turn a kitten into satay on a stick for a sniff of Siralan’s wallet innards. My favourite is cupcake entrepreneur Luisa, who is an absolute self-serving shit and describes herself as having ‘the brain of Einstein.’ LOLZ.

Their first task , as ever, started at 5 am – this time in Tilbury in Essex, where the two teams ‘Evolve’ and ‘Endeavour’, were dispatched to greet a shipping container. (‘I’ve lived in London for years, and I’ve never been down the docks.’ said Jason the Arseholenaut, not entirely convincingly.) It seemed like a perfect opportunity to trap them all in the crate and ship them off to Shanghai, but sadly, this was a sales task, and they were asked to get rid of some bog roll, some water, bubble wrap, 40 bags of cat litter, some Union Jack mugs, some Chinese waving cats and some ukeleles.

After that, they split into subteams – with literacy expert Jaz leading the way for the girls like a bossy school trip leader in an episode of Tracy Beaker.  As the day wore on, it became obvious that the objects in the shipping crate had been specially chosen to make them all GO MAD. (At one point the girls tried to sell cat litter to a shop called ‘The Mutts Nuts.’)

With increasingly unruly hair and crazy coffee eyes, they all went insane, rushing around Chinatown trying to sell Chinese waving cats to Chinese people who know that Chinese waving cats are a piece of shit. The guys were losing what was left of their minds too, and at one point were found crouching in a casino car park putting batteries up Chinese waving cat’s arses.

Despite suffering from Jason the Arseholenaut’s complete lack of direction, the  boys won, and got to stay in a posh house in Holborn and have dinner made by chefs from Fortnum and Mason. Meanwhile, the girls went to the Café of Broken Dreams and Jaz was fired, as the girls berated each other for trying to sell Chinese waving cats to Chinatown.

Actually, the whole show was like watching one big Chinese waving cat. Essentially The Apprentice is a nightmarish, vacant staring vessel with Alan Sugar’s face on it, waving endlessly from the corner of the living room, promising nothing but cheap emptiness, false hope and despair.

I can’t WAIT for next week.

Words byJack Murray

Say goodbye to any chance of scoring any real life goals…

Score! Classic Goals is an app designed for both iPhone and iPad users that offers the unique experience of recreating some of the most iconic goals in football history with just a flick of your fingers.

Since I downloaded it, for the paltry price of 69p, complete submergence into the weird world of tiny footballers has left me imagining any actual goal condensed to the size of 3.5 inches, with me, the maestro, controlling it.

When Gareth Bale nipped in from the right hand side against Southampton recently and swiftly spanked a shot into the corner of the goal, I didn’t marvel at the audacity of PFA Player of the Year’s strike, I just imagined how much better he could have done if he was under my control.

There is something potentially tyrannical about this app, then. It’s simplicity breeds addiction and it’s bright, smart interface encourages casual play and strategic challenges alike – there is, as well as just the fun of smashing goals into the top corner, an objective, as the goals increase in difficulty and demand smoother moves.

My first sighting of the game was of the former style of play though. On the tube, watching someone attempt to score David Beckham’s infamous free kick against Greece from 2001 whilst we were stuck somewhere, squashed. Gliding his finger over the screen and guiding the ball via a process of line-drawing, the tube traveller consistently scored a rating of ‘Good’ (two stars!) before a momentous moment when an inspired and concentrated spot of line curvature gave him the coveted ‘Excellent’ sign (three stars!) and meant he could place his phone in his pocket, comfortable in the knowledge that he’d taken England to the World Cup before teatime.

The choice of goals you can attempt to replicate is quite something. And following a recent update, the app now includes goals from international tournaments from the 70’s onwards, as well as the chance to score goals with some of the greatest English, Spanish, Dutch, Italian and German teams of all time. Unlocking these teams takes time and a series of successful goals builds a points system which can later be traded for more sides and more strikes.

A curious facet and intriguing aspect of the game is the lack of player names, correct kits and commentary. It attributes to the game a kind of delightful amateurism and allows you to appreciate the goals for their intricate art instead of the bombastic fame of the player scoring it, leaving you to guess the player scoring or see if you can recall from the recesses of your mind that time Argentina completed twenty five short passes before Cambiasso scored.

And so for football fanatics with memories of Icelandic screamers or anyone who’s ever wanted to have a go of Gary Neville’s pen on MNF, Score! provides you with your chance and will probably deprive you of a social life whilst you’re at it.

I don’t blame you for wanting to take a trip down west. It’s strange.It’s beautiful.It’s now easier than ever. The long sandy beaches, the sometimes lovely weather and of course the prospect of becoming a bonafide surf dude. I applaud your inner explorer, and as a native implore you to go beyond the four walls of Newquay, BUT there are a few places that not even your 3 days of swell board lessons will have you ready for.

Porthleven – The Bone Crusher

We have all seen Baywatch and Hawaii Five 0, and it sure makes the surfer lifestyle look appealing, but it also teaches you the correlation between neck braces and reef breaks.

Not only is Levey dangerously easy to make it out, it can be even easier to time it wrong, leaving you to get a very ‘drowny’ beating on the boulders. This heavy right hander with a left option on bigger swells is a mecca for British surfing. Like the real mecca, it gets hella busy, with a lot of people who have travelled a long way to get there and sure know what they are doing.

St Agnes/chapel porth – The one with no room for tourists

This is not so much a case of danger but more the confinement of the beaches, the wealth of talent for one village and a scarcity of waves to go around, means that there is not enough room for you to not get in the way. The surfers here are good; they know each other and do not take too kindly to disturbances in the water. No matter how many T-shirts you buy in their shops, or ice creams you give your kids, keep your feet on the sand.

Little Fistral – The one that’s out of sight of safety

Ah Fistral, the one we’ve all heard of. The apple of the UK’s surfing eye, this is a perfect place to take your novice self to learn the craft. BUT beware; over on the right hand side of the beach, where you will see a big red hotel on the cliff, north of North Fistral is the danger zone. This semi-detached rocky beach is the swell magnet of the bay, meaning bigger waves, better surfers for you to disrupt, the famous cribber when it breaks, and it is out of sight of the lifeguards. It may look appealing, but it’s generally not a good idea for first timers. Keep between the flags!

Portreath – The Wall – The one that will hurl you against the harbour

You may find yourself down here for some fish and chips, or to see the beach, and whilst you enjoy your pasty, you will see the various shops renting out surfboards. However, if you see the waves breaking off the harbour wall like in the image bellow, it’s probably best to leave it to the locals.

The wave that rolls along the harbour wall is a heavy reef break with a tricky take off and you will soon find out how fragile your spine is. Take a nice photo instead.

Mother Ivey’s – The one that will make you eat sand

A favourite of body boarders and skim boarders alike, this North Cornwall beach near Constantine has a shallow sand bar that breaks near to the shore, leaving very little option but a compression into the sea bed for any unsuspecting newbies. What’s worse is the seemingly safe appearance of the beach. Strong rips and dumpy waves mean that even in the shallows you can lose control before you realise what’s happening, and there aren’t any lifeguards to help you.

Porthemmet – The one that doesn’t exist

Porthemmet Beach was made up in 2007 as a Cornish in-joke. The name sounds surprisingly realistic, but derives from the old Cornish word for ant, ‘Emmet’, which has been adopted by the natives as a nickname for the masses of holiday makers that come down west. Tales of golden sands, great waves, attractions for all the family and an official website, P-Emmet caused controversy with huge local support and outrage from the Tourism Industry. What made the trick even funnier was every sign or direction for this fictitious oasis that was erected around the county, or verbally passed on to any unsuspecting holiday maker, sent them east bound on the A30.

It’s the Superbowl on Sunday. That means great American football, an elaborate half time concert (this year it’s Beyonce) and all manner of hilarious Superbowl adverts.

Here’s Samsung’s effort with Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd

Samsung Mobile USA - El Plato Supreme (by samsungmobileusa)

Meet DJ Smile - The Main Man In Huddersfield

You can find more great videos like this along with fantastic articles at the Sabotage Times website.

20th Century Fox Theme, As Done By Flute

Nailed It.

(by Okan Tunalı)

You can find more great videos on the Sabotage Times website 

brooklyncalling:

Go read this shit and comment calling me a cunt or something equally witty.